Don’t Come Looking For Me

When a family member commits suicide, the entire family is plunged into confusion and grief. Life is instinctually valued by all of life’s creatures.

Even a blade of grass or flower fights for the privilege of life.

When someone close to you voluntarily ends their lives, your entire value system is thrown into question. Family members may also be consumed with guilt, thinking that they somehow should have seen the signs that led to the individual’s suicide.

In this suicide poem, I try to recreate the last hours of a suicidal girl. May we be sensitive enough to read the signs before they escalate.

“don’t come looking for me…”

i know it’s impossible to grasp air
but, have you tried pretence?

you’d step out of nightmares
& mask terror behind faux smiles

you’d sit, with them, around the table
& take a bite of sweetness, like they do.

soon their plates are empty
they’d yearn for more cereals

but, you’d struggle with the first bite.
it tastes like death, this honeycomb

“thanks, mum, for the meal”
you just have to tell this one last lie

you’d walk into the street
& wonder why the sun’s bright

in spite of the haunting darkness
that’s clawing at your sanity

you’d chuckle at how you still breath
having died yesterday

perhaps, this is the afterlife,
but with same people of the other life

you’d shrug. sigh. smile
& pretend to be unalive

but, not today
this. just. have. to. end.

so, stroll into the woods
unknot your tie & make a gallow of same

you take two steps backward
in admiration of your calvary

you pick your pen
& flip through your diary

you make to write a poem
that begins with a quoted line

“don’t come looking for me…”
i wasn’t here from the beginning.

you climb the tree
& stuck your neck in your gallow

you let go of your grip to the branch
& dangle freely like a broken branch

we came looking for you
but found a diary
full of dark poetry
& a tree of rotten apple