The Boy Before the Man
May 16 | International Day of the Boy Child
Every year on this date, I think about all the conversations we have about men—the failures, the absence, the stereotypes, the damage, the…—and I trace them back to understand where it starts.
It starts with the boy.
There’s something almost backwards about how much energy we pour into critiquing men while investing so little in forming boys. We inherit the man we didn’t shape. Then we’re surprised.
I’m not making an argument against accountability. Men should be held to account for what they do. What I’m saying is that accountability after the fact is expensive. And this is for families, communities, religious circles, academic institutions, and, in fact, everyone who has to live inside the consequences. Development before the fact is cheaper, and it actually works.
A boy who is taught that emotions are not weakness, that asking for help is not failure, that there is dignity in gentleness, and that strength and care are not opposites, grows into a man who doesn’t need to be corrected because he was formed. You don’t have to argue someone into a shape they already hold.
The Day of the Boy Child isn’t a counter-movement. It isn’t pushing back on anyone. I love to think it’s just an honest acknowledgment that boys need deliberate attention. While it’s expedient to teach structure and discipline, we must also introduce genuine presence and consistent affirmation to the mix. We must learn to take the inner life of boys seriously.
We know how to take a girl’s inner life seriously now. We’ve learned, and we should be glad for it. Boys deserve the same investment.
So today, I’m thinking about the boys who are watching their fathers, or watching the absence of their fathers, and making conclusions about what kind of man they’re supposed to become. I’m thinking about who is speaking into that gap, and what they’re saying.
The work of developing boys is slow, and it doesn’t trend. But it shows up twenty years later, in how a man treats his partner, raises his children, handles loss, holds a friend.
The best time to begin that work was years ago. The second best time is now.
Happy International Day of the Boy Child!
PS: I shared another angle of this thought on the Bard Influence newsletter. Click here to read.
